By: Jake Perda
As you are now probably aware, the Red Sox have designated their useless 95 million dollar man, Pablo Sandoval, for assignment. Now, after 3 excruciating years of dealing with his bullshit, it’s finally time to say farewell to the overweight blob of complacency that most people call Pablo Sandoval.
Farewell, Pablo. You will not be missed. Ben Cherington brought you to our beloved city with hopes you would be our 3rd baseman of the present and the future. We all believed that you chose Boston because this is where you wanted to win rings number 4, 5, and 6. This was not the truth. You chose Boston because you saw it as an opportunity to cash out on the success that you had in San Francisco. You came here to be put on a pedestal due to your previous achievements and your lucrative contract. I’m sure that you’ve figured this out by now, but you chose the wrong city to mess with.
You may have gotten a pass in San Francisco for being the big huggable Panda, but we don't do that here. Nobody gets a free pass. For example, you don’t get a free pass for signing a 95 million dollar deal and proceeding to come into camp drastically overweight. TWO YEARS IN A ROW. Some say that greatness comes in all shapes and sizes, but that’s no excuse to show up to a Major League Baseball Spring Training looking like you’d be better suited to go on The Biggest Loser. TWO YEARS IN A ROW.
In case you’re still not getting it, Boston Sports fans root for players who show that they’re actually invested in winning. Liking pictures of models on Instagram during a game when you’re in last place in the division doesn’t go over well with these fans. Or any fans, for that matter. Maybe next time, show some passion for what you’re being paid to do. Perhaps you should’ve spent a little more time in the batting cages and a little less time waiting in line at the KFC drive-thru. But that’s just my opinion.
Before I say my final farewell, I just want to thank you. I want to thank you for showing us how angry a player can make us. Watching you let down your teammates every day made me want to go back to the days when I thought that Will Middlebrooks made me angry, and punch my past-self in the face because I didn’t know how good I actually had it. While we’ve had to endure a seemingly endless cycle of shitty third basemen over the years, you have been far and away the worst. It’s almost as if you came here to make us appreciate the others because we were blissfully unaware of how bad it could get.
Finally, it is time to say goodbye. It seems only yesterday you were a symbol of hope. The additions of you and Hanley were supposed to spark our offense and push us back into playoff contention. Instead, you were everything that we didn’t want in a player: lazy, dispassionate, and unlikable. Goodbye, Pablo. I’d say I’m going to miss you, but I’d be lying.
(Photo: Total Pro Sports)